she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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