We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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