Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
