Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
