if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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