Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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