i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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