I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm really busy with my period
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