I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize