mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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