Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
