we have pet lesbian snakes
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
