toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
