I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
