Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
