Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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