Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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