whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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