We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
