I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize