I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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