I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
