boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
