Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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