There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
