She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
