I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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