my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
