This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
