Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
