She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
