My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
