I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
