im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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