Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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