and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
