Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
