Please, let me fuck your mom
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
