Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
