not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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