Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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