i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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