I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
