I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize