oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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