Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
