I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
