how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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