Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
