So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
