I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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