Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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