thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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