One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
