my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
