I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
