i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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