I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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