and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
