Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
