I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
