How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
vagina is talking i cant
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
