my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
