I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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