is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
