this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
