sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
