My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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