so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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