I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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