at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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