This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
